New Year, New Grounds

Begin… 

Sometimes, somedays…

I wonder how much i'm capable of.I wonder how many more things i can excel at. Sometimes at work, when i'm doin' somethin' new and "improved" i'm always thinking about what the hell i'm gonna be learnin' in a couple years. Basically, if i'm capable of accomplishing everything i do now, with dignity and strength, than i can move on to bigger and better things in the future. I can do anything. Anything. Anything at all.

So Australia. Australia. Australia. Australia. When i earn enough dough, i will visit Edmonton for a couple weeks. Fuck around with people a little more down there. Then try and get a ride back out here, to Vancouver. And say good bye to Canada. Sounds like a solid plan. Goodnight everyone… 

AIOLIIIIIIIIIIII!

Men judge others more than women. That's all

Quarter to noon

Most of the time, i feel like quitting. Who know's what has made me kept going…  tomorrow is a healing day, for sooooo many different reasons. Tomorrow is a day, i can regain my strength. Funny how we need to such strength to keep us fighting… when nothing should ever exhaust us, but only make us happier.
Status: glass half empty

P.S. !!!

December 11th tomorrow… don't think i forgot what day this was… 

FUCKING FUCKER FUCK SAKES

WHO CARES, WHO REALLY CARES… that's what this blog should be called… 
What is wrong with people? Like what is so far up people's god damn butts these days! I just. i just. I just can't figure this shit out man. Like WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE PEOPLE AT GROCERY STORES! it's fuckign 5:00pm. and you're already acting liek a godamn priss bitch! TAKE A BREATH LADY TAKE A GOD DAMN BREATH AND THINK ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU'RE DOING
… i wonder if people write about me, like passing them on the street or soemthing. I mean what are the chances that this lady^ will ever find THIS particualr blog… pretty cool when you think about it. I mean i wonder how mnay people blog about people we know… hmm.
anyways! after standing through complete bullshit, i start laughing at her stress. i mean YOU BAG GROCERIES, it's not that hard. don't be a snoot about it. AND TO THE LADY THAT RAN ME OVER WITH YOUR CART!!!!! 
you tip'd me off after having to go through the whole bitch bagging our groceries scenario .. So i would just like to say that most of the time i don't expect apologies for stupid things like running into people or i don't knwo stupid things like that.. but YOU FUCKIGN DRAGGED ME WITH YOUR CART I THINK THAT DISSERVES A FREAKING WINK OR SOMETHING! way to be. Way to fucking give a damn. Way to fuckign stroll in this world of imbeciles. 
… jesus i need to go to bed. Work! tomorrow! 
JESUS YOU KNOW SOMETHIN' ELSE! i miss that one day. it was the weekend we got snowed in.. i had a day off after the whole weekend scenerio, and i went to the top of the mountain. and it was the most peaceful, awesome thing in the world. i just fuckign walked out and ran up the hill. to the top where the turkey vultures live. i swear we're practically buddy-buddy. Anyways. i ran into a couple deer. Made me think of going hunting. I think as human being's who used to hunt for our food, we need to kill something in our life-time to get the full satasfaction out of being a human being. 
YEAH I'M ROACKING OUT TO BILLY TALENT! geee i miss grade 7. in grade 7, billy talent was a god to me… lalalalalala i let you go. G O O D B Y E and good riddens 

the boxer rebellion

The hippo ran away with the spoon… and shit out the fork. then jumped over the moon

I should really go to school on Monday. I won't be as welcomed as i was before, mostly because i haven't gone in three weeks… It seems like a lot, but a lot has been going on. Do i need an excuse really? Anyways i should probably finish my stupid soulless, unnecessary, wicked, stupid still-life i was supposed to have completed a while ago. I should really start putting photo's up, of these things i talk about. i can't think of stupid adjectives all day… 
I have a project on my mind lately, i'm really excited about it. Mostly because i haven't created anything of my own in over a month, and it's about time to get back into the whole painting thing again. I'm doing this acrylic painting. It's really sci fi. I chose acrylic 'cause it's the brightest paint i have, and the person i'm doing it for deserves the brightest and best-est. the problem is, i don't know what my limits are herrreee… guess it's only his fault right… haha 

INSPIRATION 
Yeah, i've been looking for a lot, i mean a lot of inspiration this week.  I've been looking for a lot of answers. there's something really scary about being young, and having the world at your finger tips. I feel like it's over powering, and that i'm tripping over myself more so now that school is dissolving and my childhood is gone, and money has become my goal. I'm foccusing on money right now, because when i do realize my destiny, or whatever god forsaken thing i want to do with my life, i want to fufill it. And it's better to be loaded when you're 18, than just be starting… 
So inspiration. not only have i been talking to some people, but i'm also learning a lot about people. I'm figuring out that people can be mean and we have to figure out how to bring ourselves up from that. i figured out that people are very judgmental. They may want something a different way, or feel they have to control every second of someone else's life to fulfil their own. BASICALLY: People can't except others, it's not in our nature.We feel the need to always make an impact somehow, on whomever. So maybe us little-uns have to learn how to take it, because we are smart enough to realize it. 

SUNDAY FUN-DAY 
So, i have my first Sunday off. this means: no regret about skipping school, 'cause there aint no school, and aint no work. Basically a day to myself with no mistakes or should-of-done's in the back of my head. My soul feels free…
So tomorrow, i'm planning on going outside for most of the day. I want to go on the hike up to the beach. I may be raining but baby, it only depends on how much rain! I need this, i need the fresh air, i need to think long and hard about what i want to do about school, i need to figure out how much money i need to move, i need to think about why i'm not feeling sooooo great these last couple weeks, and i need to lye in the grass and soak up some-a-that Earth. Love everything;

p.s. before i go i just really need to get something off my chest. I'm not the greatest speaker when it comes to socializing, so i think just typing this will be the best i can do. 
I know a lot of things are happening in your life right now. I know you feel the weight of the Earth on you, i know you feel liek everything is falling apart, like the world is not so much as weighing you down, but shattering on top of you. I know that someone is making your life a living hell right now. I know that she is fighting with you. I know that you have many people close to you that make you happy. So please don't be so hard on yourself. Don't let her hurt you, and don't think that you are losing anything, 'cause i know that you have many many many many people who care and love you. You're smile is the only one that brightens my day. And i hope that after this month you realize how much you have after losing so little. I hope that all your wishes come true for you and your loved ones. And i want to tell you how talented, educated, humorous and bright you are. You are a brilliant person, please don't let anything take that away. (Paul)

I would like to post something… something serious

i don't know what it is, if it's the fact that i'm an Aries, or that i was raised into a supportive, caring family; but, i get put down by the stupidest things people say. I know they don't mean it in all seriousness, and i know that they down't realize how their saying it, so i just let it slip. But, it hurts me. Sometimes for a couple minutes, sometimes for days. And whatever you said i will always replay it in my mind, and wonder how i could of changed your reaction… BUT I'M SAYING THIS! I'M SAYING THAT I SHOULDN'T BE THE ONE IN TROUBLE HERE! this is your fault, you fault for being so negative. Your fault for choosing the words you chose. I just wish you gave this as much thought as I do. Because i don't know how long i can take it. One of these days, i'm gonna fucking die inside… 

ON A NEW SUBJECT

Emily Larone

staus: drop out

… figure that one out yourselves  

GAGA FOR PRADA

Wow, way to speak the truth Emily. way to speak the truth. Never once have you been so honest with yourself, i'm really proud… of myself. Good bye World

Martini wieners

You know i figured something out today, i mean i'm all worried about my 18th birthday, 'cause everybody usually has a really great time drinking n all. and as much as that would be fun. I have no one i truly want to see right now. I mean everyone has moved on… anyways, despite all my regular plans, i mean i was gonna go skiing with a couple friends, but seeing as how my friends really don't give  shit about anything these days, they'd rather smoke it up, or devote their teen years to their mom's. So i decided that when i turn 18 i'm gonna do something for me, something I can enjoy, something i know will make my 18th memorable and honourable. I want ot go to Australia and work there. i want to leave this place, this atmosphere. I want to enjoy myself, by myself and make a name for myself. I want to grow up and move on like everyone has done, only in a different way. I'm not completely sure if Australia will be my choice but iw ill leave some day, in March or April. i'd like it to be on my birthday, mostly 'cause i don't want to face all the "How's your 18th?" Bullshit. So here's too all you fuckers who never gave a shit. I'm leaving to a place where no one knows me, where I'm not near any of you, and not even close to snow. I want to make a name for myself. somewhere else. 'cause i know. that right now, where i am right now is just not the place i am meant to be. So spare me..

This is a "FUCK YOU" blog..

FUCK YOU! hell yeah i'm mad, how could I not be?

GOD DAMNIT, everything sucks; I'm just gonna save up and fucking make my life in a third world country, where people are happy and there's less SHIT going on… yeah!

FUCK YOUUUUUUU!  i got my life under control too no need to FUCKING MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OF IT! 

I fucking hate shading now…

Met a nice grade 10 'er today. had the best chocolate croissant in the world. And thought about my Ex boyfriend. Feels weird to say boyfriend, 'cause i never liked referring to you that way. Ever. But yeah i was think about you today, Shawn. I miss you.  A piece inside me hopes you haven't met anyone, partly 'cause i like where we are right now, and having you with someone else… i think that'll complicate things. But mostly because it's hard to deal with the fact. the fact that someone else will kiss you. mmmmmm kissing.
Fuck mocha's - are those girly drinks? From now on i will order the americano be like all those bad ass old guys.
Anyways, i have to finishing shading this stupid picture for stupid art class. JK art class isn't stupid. It's stability in my eyes, at least i haven't given up yet and ran back to Edmonton.. yeaaaaaaaaa not yet.
Sorry this blog was lame. Really lame...

Let's all go poo in public washrooms today…

No time to fret guy's! So my dad came to visita couple days ago, and we had a long conversation about… everything. 

But i want everyone to know something, i want you all to know that you should all deal with your problems head on RIGHT THEN, and then when the problem is resolved move on, keep going on with your day! forget it ever happened. MAKE NEW HAPPY MEMORIES THAT DAY rather than fret over that one little problem that's been buggin you. If someone said something that bothered you, confront it in a polite manner, get it dealt with! it's 99.9% not a big deal anywayss.. COMMON GUYS NO NEED TO OVER THINK THIS! 

DEAL WITH YOUR FUCKING PROBLEMS RIGHT THERE AND THEN! AFTERWARDS MOVE ON AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND YOU ARE FREE AND HAPPY AND CLEAR OF WHATEVER IT WAS THAT WAS MAKING YOU WORRY! LIVE YOU GUYS, FUCKIGN LIVE! AND LOVE… AND SMILE… AND DON'T LIEK THE LITTLE THINGS GET THE BEST OF YOU! 

That's how animals live, that's how we shoudl too. Be happy, be loving, be freeee :) 

love you guys, if i didn't i wouldn't tell you my happiness secrets ;) goodluck with all your life aspirations and hope that all your dreams come true! 

I feel like belching my fucking brains out…

I'm not gonna lie, i've had a ruff year, 2010 is almost over and i think that 2011 will give me a new take on life and a while new perspective on everything. 2010 was crazy. Neve again will i go through that shit, never again… I am only human.

today i got told by the chef about how i "talk back". He said it too nicely, so nicely that i could tell he was trying to make it seem as if it wasn't a a serious topic of discussion. But i know what he said, i know how he meant it, and i appreciate that he doesn't want to be too stern on the topic. But if he's serious about it then he should tell me. I may be a girl and i may only be 17, but i know how to take it. Everyone will shut down after they hear bad criticism, it's how you shut down, it's how you act the next day, it's what you say to that person afterwards.

Do i mean to come off that way? COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY NOT
when you tell me to do something, and i say something like "absolutely" or "for sure"-i mean it. I'm not saying it to make it seem like i don't respect you. I respect you more for being who you are, and for being as open as you are. I respect many things about you. Everything.. for that matter. You treat all your employees with respect, and i want you to know that i respect you in the same manner.

I'm really quiet at first, and i understand how that effects me, and how others see me. When i start talking, everything i say is suddenly heard by everyone else. Everything i say is kinda taken into questioning or always studied. I'm sorry for starting to feel open with you guys, i just thought that since you are all open with each other that i could be as well. It's OK though, i mean it; i like you guys and i like my job and i am grateful for it as much as you guys might be… I want to do great things


>>>onto a topic that is less hard to type emotionally. I mean what i said up there is kinda the point i was trying to make, but not really… i don't really know what point i'm trying to make…
Anyway's, i started school. I'm doing an art class at the high school here… big whoop? not really
i just hope it helps me in the end, and shows to serve a purpose and that purpose is to MEET PEOPLE! I'm tired of all this fukcing attitude i get from people, when i say that i don't know anyone… gosh darnet.

Anyhoo, i'm tired. 5:30 am wake up call for the next 3 days. I wonder if i did my homework at the harbour house, they wouldn't mind… in other words.. they wouldn't JUDGE me. I mean common i would actually really love it. I love the lighting and the space and the good people i could get to see. I wonder if they have wifi though? I'll seeeeeeeeeeeeee! GOOD NIGHT! and i hope all the best to everyone, and i hope you all learn from the mistakes you've made, and make lots more mistakes to learn from. AND I WISH YOU MORE HAPPINESS THEN I EVER HAD! If i could give the last ounces of happiness i had, away; I would give my happiness to someone else so that it could add to how much they have already, to make their life greater than it could ever possibly be…

I hate myself

since when does school become a social game?
And since when does socks and ugg boots become the style. I started that.
Adn since when did pie taste so good?
FUCK!
So i went to the school here. Again. Life sucks when you're scared.
But it's as if, no matter how mnay times you tell yourself all these "good quotes" You'll never feel better about yourself. It's in our blood to be scared. There's nothing that can help that. Nothing!
We are all running scared, it's impossible not to be really…
What am i talkign about? what is this? Why! Why the hell do i still run scared. I'm a mature 17 year old who is graduating and you're fucking scared? Why?
It seems that all us "highschool" folks, go on yahoo answers and ask everyone what to do, when you're going to a new highschool. FUCK ALL THEIR ANSWERS! You can only helps yourself. friends can help you too. Go ahead TALK to your friends, that's what they're there for.
God i miss my old life. this is fucking crazy. this life… FUCKIGN CRAZY
oh my god…

Vancouver Blood

So this Sunday my sister had a course on Physchosematics energetics, atleast i think that's how you spell it… 
That's besides the point, so it was my momma, brotha, and sista and we had a pretty good time. i felt like it was the perfect vacation for me and to connect with my family. 
Sooooo, i don't feel like typing but i did just wanna say that I enjoyed vancouver and that i feel closer to my family more than ever, well at least since i moved out of my sister's place… 
ANYWAYS see you! :)

harbour happiness

So I'm thinking about all the things i wish i could say to you guys, at work. Something to say that would sum up how grateful i am for everyone i've met ever since i started working there. Never thought i'd get a job on Salt Spring, it was always just the place to visit my mom when i was in the dumps. But ever since i left my home, Edmonton; left my friends who have grown apart and set off into the world, left my home i grew up in and have so many memories with, left everything. BI never knew what real pain felt like till my life turned upside down. Never knew how many bad things could happen with a couple drinks and bad choices. Never knew that insomnia was never good for my tears. Never thought we would of been eating dinner as a family with what furniture we had left. We used boxes for chairs and a table that replaced our big one. the one we used to use at Christmas when the whole family would come out. But we had used a small 2x2 square wooden one we got from my Dad. Eating soup and all thinking about how sad this all is. How sad the next day was going to be when we split up.

Anyways… I guess i'm just trying to find the words to express how i feel now, the words to express how many things i've learned ever since getting hired here, things that have helped me recover after all these months of, "misery".

I know none of you know me well enough, i mean it's only been like a month/half, you just knwo me as the "Quirky smirky" (i hat ethat by the way) that's besides the point. I haven't smiled this much in a long time, and i thank you so much. I realized this week, imean i learned something and i've grown a lot this week. It's picked me up an inch, and that one inch has given me all the hope in the world to grow a meter. So thakn you for being so nice, thank you for being so humble, so funny, and so memorable. thank you "front-desk-people" for being super duper nice and having conversations with me in the morning and when i leave.

thank you for accepting me you guys. I hope i stay for a while because i really like who I've become ever since. I haven't dared to go back to my dark times, and i'm really tirning my life around. history may come back again and again, But, it doesn't matter, i'm in a different province on an island meeting wonderful people. and about to begin a new confident life of my own.

This barely sums up how grateful i am for all of you, but i wish you truly knew…

[Emily]

Week to Remember

I sometimes think about all the funny things that have happened to us, olivia and I. Mostly about the time that we went to get free coffee for no apparent reason other than to probably skip out on another leadership class. We were standing at the busy bus stop laughing really hard at the fact that you don't even like coffee. You were wondering why people drink that "crap". You were playing with the coffee cup, saying how much coffee they poured. It was to the brim. You took the lid off for some idiotic reason. Lucky for us, some dude decides to do some fucking Karate in the middle of downtown on a busy sidewalk. Indescribable, but i look back on this a lot, and it a l w a y s makes me laugh. I called it "the-funniest-thing-ever-seen-downtown" And i stand by that. All 17 years in the city, and i have never seen something so… weird. we laughed so hard you had to put your brim-filled-boiling-hot coffee on the sidewalk before you spilt it all over yourself, and get first degree burns… or the time when we were fighting about something, really intensely, and the key board traveled down the top of the computer to the table to the chair then to the floor at the slowest speed possible. We put aside the yelling, and watched it fall like a slinky for honestly 30 seconds straight, in silence. Afterwards we forgot what we were talking about, then remembered we were late for Chemistry.

remember the first time we kinda Officially met. On the greyhound in Victoria on the Bamfield trip. You said you took karate. yata yata yata. yeah funny w.e. The naked-hobo blanket you kept throwing at me. Renata, who didn't were a bra. everyone snickering. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Klaire… Junior high wouldn't be the same without you. You were my buddy budster in Junior high. but it wasn't always easy. Swear to god i'm still sorry 'bout the time i was friends with Ashley and we fucking made fun of you and shit. Still don't understand what drugs i was on…

either way i'm glad we came out of junior high, grown up, and still full of the most happiest memories of my life. I love you Klaire, you are sucha sweetheart. Miss cheerleading 'cause i always got to hang out with you afterwards and we used to go out and get food and talk for hours about how much we hated the twins, and what we wanted to do when we grow up. or how i had to choose between two guys. and we would be sitting at 10pm. in a mc.donalds. My ghetto phone on the table waiting for texts form both guys. and we;d create a pro, con list . ahahah geeeee, how smart. Instead we just raved about how much that phone could withstand anything. we were like throwing it at the wall and across the restaurant. it didn't matter of course cause e knew the people who worked there… Seriously i miss talking with you. Having nothing to do all day, and being able to just talk about ANYTHING and everything, knowing that they other person would respect whatever whatever you had to say. You are a true friend to me. And i'm realizing that now, that i look back. you were a really good friend to me. You still are, even if we can't have those old hang out's anymore.

Anyways… i guess i'm trying to say taht i care 'bout you guys. And i want your lives to be even greater then you have ever hoped for. I hope you all get what you want, and have ever dreamed of. I may of never said this 'cause well.. it's corny i mean who says shit like this, ever? But really You guys are the greatest friends i could of ever hoped for. And since our lives have taken different courses, i just wanted to make this, so that you know that we can still care for each other even if we don't get to hang out anymore, you know? I guess this "thing", i guess.. i 'm just hoping it makes up for lost time.

You guys are each different. And i love each of you for everything you are and for everything you have given me. You will never be forgotten, because you guys were the friends who i had while goign through highS and juniorS. And you gave me all the happiest memories. I will never forget you, ever. And you have only given me the happiest of memories. And i hope i gave you yours

I guess i'm just parting ways with good memories/words. But always keep in touch, even if were worlds a part. :) thanks guys

The Blow - True Affection (HD)

A Poem Called Clementine

Leaves do fall,

And so do we.

Everything falls,

And nothing can see.

When it happens,

It's sharp, and falls like a leaf.

When leaves fall,

so do one of "we".

You wanna know what I think?

I think i've walked up and down this hill more times than anyone who lives on it. I bet you a million dollars. I've gotten so used to the idea by the time i hit the farm, i brake out in dance the entire way up cause i've seen it all and i know how far is left. Secretly every time i pass that corner, i wonder if you will be there… i hope i get to see you again, i wonder if you live in that new house down the road……mmmmm maybe i won't be the only kid on this side of the island after all! :)

I swear to god i have the weirdest perceptions on things. I'm the kinda friend that'll do anything as long as it's with someone else, i will be up for anything you are up for, and I hope to god that one fucking day of my life I will find someone else who can find that same frame of mind. I ear to god i will not live a second believing it. I'm the kind that even if i'm sweating and fucking tired when i'm hiking up a trail in the middle of the woods, I WILL fucking brake out in dance when "heartless" by Kanye West, comes on. I fucking lived every fuckign day trying to make you people happy, and you treated me like shit. So fuck you, you don't deserve me.

And please, PLEASE for the love of mercy don't start following me just so you can read my blogs than talk to me about them when we have our own conversations. FUCK! that is not what these are meant for. I make this blog so i can talk about everything to myself. But to have some reconciliation that someone else out there is listening. So if anyone follows this blog and reads the things i write, do not come back to me and give me your opinions, cause i don't give a fuck, this blog is for me… NOT YOU!

Whenever i have to wash my shoes, they make this loud banging noise in the dryer, and the laundry room is by my neighbours pods, so every time i put them in, i feel bad… but then i remember how badly my shoes stank, and how badly i need them to walk in.

goodnight

"Pork Belly?"

I sit here and smell the butter of a croissant fresh with butter melted and jam spread. hughhh don't my cravings get the best of me…

"Can i trust you?" well if you'll start dealing details about the flight tickets then i can think about it! Don't get caught up in the past, stick to what we need form each other NOW! cause right now.. you're letting me down…

Boy! these English Paragraphs really got me in a pickle. I'm trying really hard to write about stuff that I WANT to write about, and sometimes that takes time, but hopefully i can do it tomorrow, with the last 10 dollars i have on my debit card and get myself a croissant and a rich creamy mocha. And spend all day by the ocean thinking up mysterious stories and big words to WOW you with, "english teacher".

So i'm basically out of school, and as i sign on to Facebook mid day and see that No one is online it makes me think of all the things teachers are crunching into your brains and all the friends you are laughing with. mean while i'm either sleeping in till noon, working, running, painting, and occasionally English. Yeah my Art class is still here, at home…. art 10 is boring.. BUT if everything goes well, and i;m still here next year, i will definitely consider doing art 11 in a school meat some bitchy girls and boys who wear cute clothes but are completely stupid. I wish i could meet someone, i mean other than say "hello" i wish someone would say what i want to hear for once. I mean, i not expecting it, but considering i'm the one always saying the most unheard of things, it gets tiresome talking to someone who doesn't have the same frame-of-mind. With all that said…..-> Boy, that i passed on the street, i swear to god we had a moment, and i swear to god the minute i passed you i wanted to run after you. You are a mystery and I know i'd love to get to know you… I hope i get to see you agaon… but it's been 2 weeks, all i can do is pray. … where did you come from? i swear you were a sign.

I fucking love fall, all the colourful leaves. THIS IS MY TIME OF THE YEAR BABY!

you… you… you moose!

GODDAMN IT, I MISS YOU!

Yorkshire Pudding

yeah… so i've been workign 8 hour shifts 4 dyas in a row… got pretty tired today from waking up so early. Especially when i clean all the dishes and have nothing better to do with my time then look like slacker. BUT COMMON i mean i think the salads i make there are the best. and i love the people i work with, and especially since they let me try everything.. hahhaha YUMMMY THINGS! mmmmm i can't wait till the next time i work.. this week though i'm gonna get a lot of English done. I'm thinking of going early to Rock salt to have some eggs and toast and work on some English! :) might be nice to sit and relax for a bit. Anyways i hope ya'll doing great-

Hey Shawn Vervoorst...

Hmmm. If only i could tell you what life was like before shit came to Earth… haha this was blog about a year ago… when life was getting shitty with the move n' all. I want you to look at these certain blogs, because they are about you and i know they'll make you smile. It's been two years… wow.

Friday, November 20th, 2009 at 2:04 am

Friday, November 20th, 2009 at 1:59 am

Well i'm not gonna copy and paste everything, but i really really encourage you to start at the beginning… CLICK HERE

P.S. it may not all be great, i may of only been 16/15 and self infatuated so don't take the bad stuff to heart, it all sounded ridiculous anyways

-Live on : )

Nothing to say, just listen

The Republic Tigers-"Buildings and Mountains"

P.S. finished my first English 12 assignment. HERE WE GO diploma course might just be my only rep. for a good school… wtf is this life? STRESS STRESS STRESS

P.S.S I got a job… $11.00/hr cleaning dishes and MAKING DESSERTS! fuck yeah… kinda

Roll your head daydream believer…

All i want to do is dance. I've come to this point where music shrills my spine and makes me move in ways i never knew possible. I go into another world. Music is my high. I just don't know ow to explain the way the song moves me literally. It's an outer body experience i cannot control… makes me love the world a little more each time my foot lifts. I know how to love again.. :)

Man is Happy when Man is Satisfied

I can safely say i'm in a rut- but maybe it's me that's caused this rut.

My Cat-The Exorcist

So this week was very nice, i got to spend it with a dear friend who came to visit me. Everyone was so shocked he had come, but is it really something that is drastic, or is everyone stuck in their little holes with their planned out lives and cannot believe that someone would randomly buy a plane ticket somewhere he'd never been. Well it seems pretty normal to me, and i encourage it. We spent the first day lazing around still trying to get over the face that we can see each other in the flesh. We had a yummy yummy lunch at my ex-job cafe. Not weird at all, SS people are so lay'd back. We went to victoria, We had illegal wine at a fancy seafood cafe, and talked about "everything". this week was nice. We went camping and saw the Gay parade = warmed my heart. Hitched a ride in the back of a wagon truck full of dogs; and we noticed life.

Now i'm pooped and want to sleep for the rest of eternity. Goodnight.

p.s. I bought some new denim jeans for my ever so growing stumps i call legs :)

Leaves fall to the ground

"When life is hard, you have to change…"

Pastel Salad in the Winter Time

There is great need for a happier blog right now. looking back, i haven't given you guys much insight on to… how i'm doing i guess. Well i'm almost graduated, just need to do English 12 CHA CHING! But what i am planning on doing in the future is undeclared. I am taking Art 10 at the moment, planning on doing business 11 and all that shit. As far as schooling goes, i am doing art 10 and English 12 at home, and i am planning on doing Visual arts 11 +12 at the school here. I'm hoping that all goes smoothly, because i really need to get out. Besides all the freaking out and depressing mornings, things are looking out. Getting my bike fixed tomorrow, and then I can do some hot yoga in Victoria! whoooooo what else. oh yeah, did my BC drivers knowledge test. MIGHT I JUST SAY… EDMONTON HAS IT GOOOUD. here it's 50 questions, and 80% max. obviously i went into it a little unprepared. BIG WHOOP at least it's cheaper here. only 15 bucks and 10 bucks for the ID, beats 76!

I am currently and vigorously looking for a job. but the summer season has obviously been prepared for and nobody is hiring. BUMMMMMMMMM FUCK ME! it's stupid. i'm broke, bored and waiting for my hair to grow back. So as maybe some of you might find out, i made a Facebook account. I KNOW. Why the fuck would you do that? Well i have accomplished what i wanted to, and i am ready to come back, but depending on how many people care… might not be for long.

Ohhh, it's spider season here, and it's not just miniature spiders. Inch, Inch and a half long red creepy ass spiders. they are HUGE ASS things and they live in our windows. Not long before they crossed the boundaries and have been ending up in our BEDS@#$ fuck you know how much mentally, that messes you up. I fucking check my bed every night and keep a flashlight and insect killer beside me at all times. I was the first to spot them all. I have found two in my clothes, AS I WAS WEARING them, and two in my bed. yuck. anyways, my fear of spiders has left the door and i am official.

As you may or may not know, i have been eating raw for the past month n' half. Great.. nothing to say there anymore i guess. Has it been hot here? YES has the hottness ended? slightly. it rained for the first time.. twwwoo days? ago i think.

Anyways so there's and update, whoop de doo… ...

I FUCKING HATE THOSE FUCKING BURRET THINGS GIRLS WEAR ON TH BACK OF THEIR HEADS. NEWSFLASH! IT DOESNT DO SHIT FOR WEATHER, REP NOR JUDGMENT!

daikon noodles in miso

AHHHGGG FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF CUFLHADGHHHHFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK THAT FUCKKKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUU FUCKKKKKK THAT!!!!! I UHHHHGGGGGG HATE YOU FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCK!

AHHH fUCKING SHIT THIs is REALLLY HAPPENING! i'm offically insane.

"Why do Birds Suddenly Appear…"

I'm probably gonna kill myself sometime. one of these lonesome days i will have the courage. one

"So Many Roads to Choose…"

I really need my life to work out well for the next couple weeks, i'm forgetting who i am. Based on memories, i feel i don't recognize that person. i am in complete depression. I have been ever since that one math class. Worse day of my life. My brain felt as if it was ready to be knifed. holyyy jeesusss help me.

flabah, flablay, fantastic

"When a women cuts her hair off, she's looking to change her life."

DO NOT.

DO NOT THINK YOU KNOW ME!

DO NOT SAY BULLSHIT.

DO NOT JUDGE ME, ANYDAY

you have no right, no right. nobody has any idea. NO ONE has any idea! I am lost at sea. floating with nothing.

DO NOT BE A SELFISH EGOCENTRIC BULLSHITTER

…A LIAR

DO NOT FEAR ME NOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE

AND DO NOT THINK I TALK ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU READ THIS.

I AM LOOKING, LOOKING WITH MY GLASSES I WEAR ON MY EYE.

FOR I AM LOOKING AND IF YOU FEED ME THIS, THEY WILL BREAK.

LOOKING FOR MY LIFE.

…AND WHOEVER YOU ARE, YOUR'S TOO.

LOVE YOU.

*Freedom isn't pretty. It's lonely and white. Blank and thin, tasteless, and black. You age faster then you can breath. Gradually, gradually, gradually. Air is air -not sugary. INSPIRATION IS SICK! never begin, again. born into life, die with sparkle. kiss kiss, hug, hug. i wish you luck.

walk, walk, walk, run

i'll be back soon…

listen* Oh Yeah - built to spill

I think about you everyday; I'm always wondering what you think of me now. I know it's hard. But unlike most people you affect, i will never forget you. No you showed me something i will never see in anybody ever again.

Yeah people lie and cheat, but that's why we get stoked; so we don't have to think about that shit.

I don't think of you, but i wonder why you had left such an impact on me. I sound creepy, but who's creepy is you. Why?

...

you're a fucking bitch… but you're my bestfriend… SCREW YOU

i'm not completely...

revived… yet. are you?

tell me about it.

clouds

I fucking wanna see Joan Jett before I die, or she diess for that matter.

GURRRR sold out my ass.

love for you

i should really be doing homework… but i hope all you guys who read this had a great day!

playagaintrailer final

Sunday Prayer

So i just finished getting rid of everything in my room, ready to move. ready to be happy again. I just watched love, blood and kryptonite. A good depressing movie! recommend it. -

Pride

pie ratio

is life as boring as people think it is, when they rather alter their universe with drugs? We need to take a stand. If you don't like life, die, visa veee!

love

I am more enthused by the naked body, than one that is clothed. Because it reveals the persons spirit, rather than being masked. Everyone body is beautiful, as long as their heart is open.

meatless

So it has come to my attention that either there people that read my blog, or rumours travel quickly. I'm surprised. I like that you kids are interested in my weird life of being Emily Larone. You know one thing i don't think anyone knows about me is that i absolutely adore the rain, i really do love it. people hate it. For me the rain means to replenish, and i realize now that every time it comes i need it.

Work has become… work. School has become stressful and family has become that happiest part of my life.

I'm hoping that when i go back to momma's i can experience that out doors more than i know, i'm planning on sleeping outside; maybe, depending if my brother consumes my room. I'm really excited. I really need to connect with what i love best, the souls of what is silent to us: nature.

I want to wake up every morning to either rain or sun, rinse my face with clean creek water then go for a hike in the wilderness and get lost. i want to find myself through nature, because people have not helped.

I love my mom, and i love my sister, i love my brother and i love my cat. I love that frog, and that big green slug. may you all be happy.

Plausible

You know the honest opinion of what I think of you? I think you are mean yet nice. Hard to be, but for someone who knows what it means to be nice and be so mean it takes guts. You know i gradually started to not understand you, so for that i say i'm faking. I fake my conversations with you. HECK! i fake alllllll my fucking conversations with all you people because I DON'T LIKE YOUR STANDARDS. that may be really mean but i don't want to waste my life listening to shit i could care less about, and acting so unusually to respond that it makes me sick.

Can I just confess for one second the fucking pain I have been going through the past month? No I can't because every fucking little thing that you never thought could collide DID. I'm ill.

Sweet Child of Mine

I am moving back, and no one knows. I like that. I like that no one knows, because no one deserves to know, and i don't deserve the fake cries of "i'll miss you". No i'm too good for that, nobody ever saw that in me though. They think i'm mean when i try too hard to be nice. So for all you children that are in my class, and all the people that passed me in that fucking assembly, and for all the fucking people i KNEW, and for all the ones with bigger problems and all the people that run away when they someone they like better. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU, and i try too hard to be nice to you, i tried so hard that i am done trying, you can all die in you're materialistic lives of beer and meaningless conversations. CAUSE YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME. no you are not. For all those who have no souls, and all the teachers who hate there students, for all the hatred that high school involves i'm done. good bye, i wish i never went to Joes, and i wish i never met any of you.

DEPRESSION AND LOUD NOISES OUT MY WINDOW

I LOVE YOU MOMMMA AND I WILL BE HOME SOON! home will always be Glenora.

new sun

You may never be able to start fresh, but it's not worth the thought anyways… trust me. live the life you created, and make it right.

ALIVE!

DREAD WORK

the thought of going to work the next day ruins the rest of your life up until your shift is done. How can something so simple and meaningless ruin your life like that. We should not worry, nor think of tomorrow as a bad day because you have until 4 o clock, and until that time you should of lived your life whether you were going to work later or not. EVEN SO going to work should be fun, should be interactive, should be the game in which we all play. think of it as somehting you can conquer over time but there isn't any homework. AND you get to meet new people, new friends.

Let's be happy and grateful for tomorrow being friday

H2O

"We are all human, and there i never a time in our life that will take happiness from us. Happiness comes from within us, you can't hide our dark side if your upset. Find your happiness, take what's good in life, take the deepest breaths of O' and drink the purest H2O, feel the suns warmth, and believe that you don't need anybody in this world to make you happy, only yourself and others presence. Others don't mean to hurt others, we think we do, or accidentally do, and completely don't mean to, but it just works out that way. find your happiness."

Dark Dark Clouds of Sun.

Today has renewed myself. I may be sick as a dog, but everything has turned out very well. I have no idea why i deserve such good karma, but it has helped me see the "light". May everyone find peace today. May everyone look beyond this snowy day and look at it as a holiday we all needed. Take a sick day today, and forget what has gone wrong, make today your day to change. Download that song you wanted to last week, talk to that friend you haven't talked to in a long time. Remember the really good memories you had. Think of the past, but most importantly think of what you want your life to be, make yourself healthy again today. I believe the creator has given us this day to think of how we are living our lives right now. What we need to change, and what we need to do. So use this day to get things done, and be who you want to be. OVERCOME YOUR CHALLENGES AND BE HEALTHY!

I may not be who others see me as. And i know that. But think of everything i don't do to others. I don't get mad at you, when you talk behind my back. I laugh when you want me to. i give my opinion whether you want to hear it or not. And i never hold a grudge agaiinst anyone. So for all of you who have such big problems with me, just think of how much i do to make you guys not hate me. I am sincere, you just don't see it. I laugh, you just don't hear. And i care, you just never give me time to talk. So i'm asking you please to not hate me for who i am… because you don't know who that is yet. I may not like someone for good reasons, LIKE ME FOR THE FACT THAT I DON'T FAKE FRIENDSHIP!

you know i believe you guys are just scared of the truth, so you might as well hate the person that says it. that's fine. I don't like you guys because of that now…

I remember everything, all the good memories! and i miss them!

I LOOOOOVE YOU MOMMMMMAAA! AND EVERY NIGHT I WALK HOME FORM WORK I THINK OF YOU. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE GONE FOREVER! AND I TEAR UP BECAUSE WHEN THAT DAY COMES I DON'T KNOW HOW WORSE I WILL GET. You will always be that mom who is my best friend! And you have truly made me into the person am today! thank you for being the best mother in the world!!!! and i hope Mothers day you will think of all of us, and know that you succeeded in making the best children in the world, because of that i am thanking you soooo much for always being there. i love you more than you will EVER know! and i miss you dearly!

hug your mom's for me today, everyone. and show them how much you appreciate them. it may not be mother's day yet, but you will never need a day to show your momma how much you love them and miss them. appreciate their presence.

WOW IT'S TIME TO FUCK SHIT UP

LETS GET DRUNK LETSSSS GET HIGH! first help me get over this weird sickness i have.

So one night ago i came down with this type of "cold" as they say, although i don't think it's a cold, more like strep throat waiting to happpen. that's what i think. i mean it's probabaly not considering my earss have it worse. but my throat is like a crying child. FUCKING CHRIST it hurts like hell. But after this i intend to live better.

I WILL EAT ALL THE DAMN Flour I WANT!

AHJAHFFADFDABADJVBDJABVDALVBAD

I HATE BLOGGING, BYE!

heartlesss

May you remember, life is only but time. and time is only how you want it to be.

Live strong Emily.

P.S.

Oh and i deactivated my facebook, because i'm tired of the internet social life. phone or no phone.

How can life be full of soo many possibilities, and i can't find one.

So, I recently looked up "how to get motivated" means you ARE in a pretty big slum, when you rather go home watch your fav. show and eat chocolate easter eggs. I am getting weird bumps on my ears, and i think they're pimples, but i have never had more than one at a time… hmm..

SOOOO living on my own basically. I don't think i could of done it without my sister. But i have been through the biggest emotional ups and downs this year. GREAT START HEY!? i mean beginning January, i was set on coming home, even before i started going to that new school on the island. I just felt like i wasn't pressured to make a big appearance. and that is what gets in the way of me achieving greatness, Is always having an out door to my fears.

For instance, my first day working at Booster Juice was yesterday… NEW and i'm so scared. but the fact that i can just quit if i want, kills me. I DON'T WANT THAT OUT DOOR! atleast not right now. Because i need to be forced to go one direction I NEED to be pushed, and right now i'm all alone in my aspirations and dreams, and struggles, and neww JOBBSSS. So i'm forceing myself, right now!

And you know, if i was that bad, my boss is goin gto let me out of my misery, so it's alright! right…?

The two girls i worked with yesterday, are so differnt to what i'm used to. I am so used to the firends i have, i forgot how to make friends. HOW SAD IS THAT. i forgot how to flirt, i forgot how to say hello. I FORGOT about first impresions. I FORGOT ABOUT ALL THAT STUPID SOCIAL SHIT. because i stoppped caring. and i think that, that might not be good for me in the long run. I mean i think the thought i was normal and boring. but i was concentrating JEESUS!

--but yes, i am going to my mom's for Spring Break, and Olivia is joining me. I'm really happy that she is to be honest. i feel unstable alone. is that odd. FEAR is what it is.

Going to do something productive now.

You know… i nearly killed myself one time. I texted you for help. And when you couldn't help make me happy again, that's when i knew. At least you gave me a reason to walk again.

recap on the women looking...

So i am trying to get my math homework finished, and then i have to get my English poster done. OH ELSE i get a ZERO tomorrow. i'll hopefully get it done. i'm not tooooo sure about how well i'm going to do on my math assignment. They always put questions on there, that we never learned in class. THEY ARE SETTING US UP TO FAIL. But i'm not complaining, i mean i like how it gets my brain to work. I feel like it's growing. i am just hoping i can get some help on one or two questions tomorrow. i mean i know i will….. hopefully.

This week i've learned that, it's hard to forget about people. especially when you have donated much of your time to them.

I don't exactly have a printer at home that works... This school year is going to be different. But i will manage.

The weather is warming up. sweater weather. that's always a good sign! :) So running season can start up. cannot wait to shed these pounds. not that it matters. but my self esteem is down. no matter what people say! at least i'm doing something about it. not just whining over it.

I will never go to west ed again. that place is a fucking cult. i kinda can't wait till i'm done school. and i can get out of here. go on a wilderness adventure. and i will be more mature, won't cry over spilt milk when i'm gone this time.

be happy everyone, and do the math... i will be :(

A SMARTASS BLOGGER IN A CITY OF FOOLS

So what have i learned this week? What ups and downs did i face this week. Well i'll start off with the fact that as much as us "youngsters" say our friends changed, it's true. ENTIRELY! i mean we have a hard time. We are in this prime age where we grow up and change our values, and such. So yes it is true our friends change, and it sucks! DARN IT, IT HURTS! but i have gotten used to it by now. i mean I've changed no doubt. OH WELL ENOUGH ABOUT THIS STUPID ASS COMPLAINING!
-So i know Mrs. Marten has this way about her, where she always seems to be perfect, and talks perfect, and never has a slip up. She's the average social worker in a way. But in this case she my school academy vice principal in a sense.
She's been talking to me before i even moved, about my "problem" with skipping. She does the average sit down with me, and tells me that she has had enough with my leaving the school, without telling anyone, and how everybody knows, and my class is upset with it. this was the third time. I'm over it by now, but i'm blogging it for your sake.
She intentionally came in to math class ready to kick everybody out and have another "sit-down" with me. But she just had to make up excuses. after 10 minutes of waiting for her to get to me after she told me to stay, because "she had enough" she yelled at me for a good 15 minutes straight.
I have never been yelled at like this. my mind went practically numb half way through, staring at her, she became blurry. Anyways straight to the point-i'm and introvert, so i cried
balled my eyes out, all my worries and fustrations i hold in every minute of every day i just let it out. It feels good. But of course she thought i was actually upset about the skipping and my future. But to completely honest:
I'm a sixteen year old who went through her first serious relationship, ended it. Moved to an island within two weeks: which entailed me to finish my whole semester a month in advance, and pack and get rid of bunches of stuff of mine, i had sleepless nights, insomnia symptoms by day, and countless amounts of suicidal thoughts in the bathroom. the night they gave away my bed, i felt i had nothing left to call my own. I moved to a place where i did not know anyone (that's a first) I left my entire life, only to start anew in a unknown place. I missed my memories, and i missed my friends. I went to school for two days, scared, and feeling like i had no place there. I felt i was wasting life on people that didn't matter to me, and i didn't have to patience to find out.
I came back to edmonton, but it wasn't that easy. i had disputes with my father, that have left a trace on me since then. i cut all my hair off before i came, which was a totally spur of the moment decision. And i went totally Vegan. I drink only water. and my body had to go through all of this.
When i came back, the people were rude, the buses were inconsiderate. And the weather was cold, and snowy.
I visited the school, where i first met with my ex, and some of the drama kids i was not close to in the beginning. I felt like the new kid. why is that?
By this point i literally felt like i had no place to be, no place that wanted me, no place i wanted to be. No place i could call home.

SO NOW: I am a sixteen year old girl that does not live with her mom nor dad. Pays rent, has no job, grade 11 at a school that gives her heck. Honour student. And hormonal. Vegetarian. With a laptop i couldn't of gotten without my grandma, may she rest in peace. I have been living on the couch for the past month n half. as well as living out of duffel bags. I will be getting my own room in a bit. Do i think it's fair that i'm getting the small room, when i use my room like it's my only place to go... well at least i have a room. I am learning to respect what i have, and be thank ful for everything! i mean i love my life now. BUT I WILL NOT JUST SIT THERE, WITH A TEACHER YELLING AT ME and not think about what it used to be, and get emotional.
I think i have been through a lot; oh well.

I got a really bad cold a couple days ago. So i can barely hear a thing and my nose is running due to my sinus PLUGGED! It's hell when i get a cold. i rather be sick any other way honestly! nobody understands. i may look great, but i feel like i'm on fucking fire and snot on the inside. I mean i half to just about read your lips to gie you a response to what you just said. and i have to blow my nose every 15 minutes. I sneezed a bunch, and i'm coughing up phegm. BUT NO, " When are you going back to school Emily?"
WHEN I CAN ACTUALLY LEARN WITHOUT CONCENTRATING ON WHETHER A BOOGER IS HANGING FROM MY NOSE, OR IF I'M GOING TO RUN OUT KLEENEX I STUFFED IN MY POCKET AS I RAN OUT THE DOOR! I WILL GO BACK WHEN I FEEL GREAT BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN FEEL GOOOOOOD AT SCHOOL.

PRETTY CRAPPY WEEK? well you know... i don't think so. i have been through worse...

Ewwwww, cliche 16 year old blog

Nope, you are officially erased. good bye.

Nope, you are a total bitch now.

Nope, you are just a freak (that's supposedly in-love).

So emotional up and downs this week. A lot of weird stuff has happened. A lot of things that should of happened ever! A lot of people have changed their values, not in a good way. K i get it you're a bad ass, just stop being a bitch about it.

My body and soul are not in sync…

URGGGGHH I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! JUST FUCKING LEAVEEEE DIE ALREADY! GODDD!

spinach green poop

I am on a detox it looks like. And i feel better. Except when i eat ice cream.

When cotton candy isn't available...

I need to adapt to this life. I need to adapt to not depending on anyone. I need to adapt to who i am. RIGHT NOW!

& time doesn't stop...

DON'T CALL ME, YOUR VOICE MAKES ME ILL

Anger gets the most of us...

GOD, I JUST WANT TO DROP KICK THIS PERSON!

The sun can blind you, if you stare for too long...

I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST, IF I JUST NEVER TALKED TO YOU AGAIN! I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT YOU! I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, EXCEPT MEMORIES. THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY, SO NO MORE BEING POLITE! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME, ACCEPT IT!

…that's all.

when they serve Nestle, instead of Haagan Daz

Not as good as the other day…

I always wonder...

What is going to happen in a day. Like what crazy shit is going to happen. Will i cry today? will i laugh really hard? Will i pooo my pants? Will i kill someone by accident? So many possibilities hey?

I am going to get registered at 1 today, as well… well hopefully. Looking at this teacher, you have no idea what to expect. Will she put me in AADAC because she thinks i'm a druggy drop out? JUDGMENTAL BITCH!

I am still coughing. URGH

It is colder than usual, i hope i don't turn into an ice lagoon.

VEGETARIAN OF THE WEEK!

I began Saturday! and i feel more greater than i ever have. thank you Earth for giving me leaves, roots and water :)

I WANT YOU TO INVENT A NEW KIND OF CAKE!

So things are really turning around. I mean i walked into school today prepared to feel as though i was walking into a gas chamber again like yesterday, but it was alright. I saw a lot of JFLA students and they all said "HI" to me. They never used to do that. It felt really good. Like i was missed.

On the ride up here with my dad, i realized something about humanity. We need to be excepted by others before we can except ourselves. And that is sad that the race has come to this. WE NEED TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN INDEPENDENTLY AND STRONG! I may be smart enough to know this, and to make myself as strong as possible, but most don't. So raise them to love themselves always, and to know who they are. and to always go their path, and not their friends. Because you are babying them. that is not right. I think about when i was young, and i used to speak to others, and be me. But i was sophisticated, and no one noticed. I am thinking now about things i said then, and now when i say them, most people listen. It's almost like you need to be older to get more respect, and to be noticed. But i remember how i thought when i was smaller, and it's just about the same as i think now. I just never got noticed in that way because of my age. SO DON'T UNDERESTIMATE YOUR CHILDREN! RAISE THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS AND NOT YOUNG MINDED! listen to them, and talk to them as you would anyone else! because i know i was a little hurt by how much i had to say, and never got heard correctly.

Another thing i would like to talk about is EX'S! (Even you are reading this Shawn)

I have come to realize why it is hard to be friends with your ex, and i have come to realize why men do what they do after a break up. Although i do not mind talking to them, when you see them talk and walk differently, it's as much to take, as it is to see them talk to other women. Whether they notice or not, you will notice. I noticed that's for sure. Personally, i love you! i do. i never lied about that. I cared for you, more than i showed. But i'm 16, and i'm real. When i notice the change in how you talk to others… girls… it fucking hurts! It's not nice. and i went home choking with emotion. You curdled my insides i hope you know. Whether you meant to or not.

#1 RULE - DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER / DO NOT THINK ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER / YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER!

It took a long time before i realized what it is about men and their feelings after a break up. As much as it hurt them, they will not show it… EVER! They will hide it so much as to hit on girls in front of you, to show you. They will tell you, to prove it, and they will make it happen. They are playing a game! that's all. Don't say you are not. I am saying now with great respect, and "maturity" that i do not want to see that anymore. It hurts more now than it ever did. And i will not go through that. You can do what ever you would like to do, but i will never be there. I will say "HI" to you as if you are anybody. And if your day was bad, i will be there. But as for the casual hang out, and occasional Halo game. You can find another girlfriend for that. I just can't bare to see it happen. SO I'M SAYING GOODBYE! seriously. Never thought this would happen, honestly. but this game you are playing, maybe trying to get me jealous, or trying to show your maturity. It's not working. You look like an idiot, and you are fucking breaking me in half more then you know. So you win. Kiss, make out, make love. Just don't you EVER fucking tell me about it. or show me.

RULE #2 - YOU NEVER EVER EVER HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO HIM, NOR ANYBODY! LET THE MAN WIN; HE'S THE ONE WHO'S HURTING AS MUCH AS YOU, WHETHER THEY ADMIT IT OR NOT! / YOU NEVER HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH JEALOUSY OR GUILT OR REGRET AND DON'T EVER STOOP DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL, FORGET ABOUT THEM!

Of course i still love you. Of course i really cared about you. Of course you were my best friend. Of course i loved beating you at video games. Of course i loved eating subway with you in the field, and rolling around in the grass. Of course i took watching movies with you for granted after awhile. Of course i did not care for our relationship as much as you did, but that never meant i didn't feel it. So this is a clean break for you, honestly. Don't start finding a new girlfriend, as you've been trying to prove to me, live! (as I intend to).

From all this all i'm trying to get at… is that you hurt me, probably not as much as i hurt you. But you are hurting me badly & I am giving in. i am not going to fight back, i am telling you that i do not want to see you, nor speak as much as i have to. Sounds horrible doesn't it?

Palatzo, treats high school students like they are failures. I accept it. But i hope she gets karmic revenge 'bout it. Because no one should keep living like that.

How 'bout when the sky goes blue?

My choices were living in paradise, but have no social life.

Or have a social life and live in a SESS POOL!

WHAT DO I DO WORLD!? WHAT DO I DO IN THIS SITUATION!

BUT! THEN AGAIN! i will not be here forever! I am free after grade 12. at least i have motivation to finish EARRRRRRRLY!

Can't wait till spring break/ summer/ AFTER GRADE 12! god!

I am so lost. SO very lost. I am LOSTTTTTT IN THIS WORLD AND I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY PLACE TO GO IS 'DEATH' HONESTLY! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! there is too much hate in this world! just too much.

At least Salt Spring didn't hate a soul!

HELP ME! WHOEVER IS THERE TO GUIDE ME!

INCREDIBLE DISCOVERY MADE BY FATHER

I'm really sorry, But i think i'd rather go around with no clothes and no food, than have to repay you for everything when i get older.

I'm sorry dad and mom, for using your money to survive on till now. I will definitely pay you off.

I AM SORRY I DON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY! OH AND I AM SORRY I USED YOUR PRECIOUS MONEY TO FEED ME WHEN I WAS 1. I SHOULD OF BEEN LOOKING FOR A JOB SHOUDL'T I? I COULD BARELY WALK, BUT WHOOOOO CARES THEY HIGHER PARAPLEGICS ALL THE TIME. I COULDN'T EVEN SPEAK! BUT HLF THE JOBS ARE BEHIND THE SCENES ANYWAYS! SO I'M SORRY I'M SORY I DIDN'T GET A JOB WHEN I WAS BORN SO THAT I COULD HELP YOU TAKE CARE OF ME! I'M SORRY!

SHOULD I START PAYING NOW?

It's like an ESL student asking me to define "the"

i hate when people complain. And they never hear themselves. They come home and then complain. Or they will say something and then find the bad in it. SAY THE STUFF THAT MATTERS PEOPLE! SERIOUSLY BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THE LATEST GOSSIP

Missing the future already...

I am going to miss the outdoor shower the most out of the necessities here. But of course i'm going to miss my mom more than anything.

I am going to miss the people, and all their wisdom, and the safe feeling you have. I am going to miss not having to lock your doors to the house nor the car. I am going to miss the attitude of the people in the grocery store. I am going to miss walking through town and seeing the same people. I am going to miss, missing everyone in Edmonton. I am going to miss the smell of cedar when you walk up to the front door. i am going to miss flying down the driveway on my bike. I am going to miss the dogs that have come in to my life. Second to my mom i am going to miss Bob. I love you Bob. I am going to miss the quiet and the trees. The ocean and the birds. The walks to the laundry room. The constant rain that doesn't smell like fuel. I am going to miss the warmth especially. I am going to miss my hair. I am going to miss the teachers i have met, and the people. I am going to miss a lot. But according to my future, This is a change for the better :) So i know it will be.

i hate...

the sound of a vacuum. i do not want one in my lifetime unless i have a carpet. Because i'd rather sweep than be utterly annoyed by the loud sound.

FRITZY LOVE

This is my second time going to the local theater, "The Fritz"

It's named after a cat that once lived. The theater makes oraganic popcorn with real butter--which i never understood… why make non-real butter?

Anyways, I LOVE IT i can watch a movie with out getting bored, nor neck sore. basically good karma there. And the popcorn is to die for!

I'm said to be going on a quest that is good for me next week. a good adventure, and it's a change for the better. What is good about leaving Salt Spring Island, and moving back to a cold winterous EDMONTON? i hope it's new people, new inspiration, new outlook on life. NEW ADVENTURE! BUT I CAN WAIT TILL THEN for now i must pack, and complete. then leave with the in souls of my shoes underneath me. I'm going to miss you mom, but i guess i'll see you in about 4 or 5 months, right?

FUCK YOU BELL! I EWILL GLADLY THROW MY CELLPHONE AND MY DEACTIVATION FORMS I N Y O U F A C E! Hello Koodo :)

I have found that there is no good in anger, only bad.

Oh and i forgot to mention the movies i've seen and the ones i want to see in near future…

I saw Sherlock Holmes, which was fantastic. I did n ot get bored. i finally found a movie that was fast paced, and that didn't keep me waiting till the next seen with all the dramatic mumbo jumbo. But that's just cause i'm an Aries.

I also saw, tonight, Young Victoria. Which was a love story at that. Very emotional movie, which it brings much sadness, happiness, and love in to your life. Altough i did not get much history in to the accomplishments. But yet the struggles. Very thoughtful movie. Thank you to the makers, i'm glad i saw it!