Thursday, February 4, 2010

I WANT YOU TO INVENT A NEW KIND OF CAKE!

So things are really turning around. I mean i walked into school today prepared to feel as though i was walking into a gas chamber again like yesterday, but it was alright. I saw a lot of JFLA students and they all said "HI" to me. They never used to do that. It felt really good. Like i was missed.

On the ride up here with my dad, i realized something about humanity. We need to be excepted by others before we can except ourselves. And that is sad that the race has come to this. WE NEED TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN INDEPENDENTLY AND STRONG! I may be smart enough to know this, and to make myself as strong as possible, but most don't. So raise them to love themselves always, and to know who they are. and to always go their path, and not their friends. Because you are babying them. that is not right. I think about when i was young, and i used to speak to others, and be me. But i was sophisticated, and no one noticed. I am thinking now about things i said then, and now when i say them, most people listen. It's almost like you need to be older to get more respect, and to be noticed. But i remember how i thought when i was smaller, and it's just about the same as i think now. I just never got noticed in that way because of my age. SO DON'T UNDERESTIMATE YOUR CHILDREN! RAISE THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS AND NOT YOUNG MINDED! listen to them, and talk to them as you would anyone else! because i know i was a little hurt by how much i had to say, and never got heard correctly.

Another thing i would like to talk about is EX'S! (Even you are reading this Shawn)
I have come to realize why it is hard to be friends with your ex, and i have come to realize why men do what they do after a break up. Although i do not mind talking to them, when you see them talk and walk differently, it's as much to take, as it is to see them talk to other women. Whether they notice or not, you will notice. I noticed that's for sure. Personally, i love you! i do. i never lied about that. I cared for you, more than i showed. But i'm 16, and i'm real. When i notice the change in how you talk to others… girls… it fucking hurts! It's not nice. and i went home choking with emotion. You curdled my insides i hope you know. Whether you meant to or not.

#1 RULE - DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER / DO NOT THINK ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER / YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER!

It took a long time before i realized what it is about men and their feelings after a break up. As much as it hurt them, they will not show it… EVER! They will hide it so much as to hit on girls in front of you, to show you. They will tell you, to prove it, and they will make it happen. They are playing a game! that's all. Don't say you are not. I am saying now with great respect, and "maturity" that i do not want to see that anymore. It hurts more now than it ever did. And i will not go through that. You can do what ever you would like to do, but i will never be there. I will say "HI" to you as if you are anybody. And if your day was bad, i will be there. But as for the casual hang out, and occasional Halo game. You can find another girlfriend for that. I just can't bare to see it happen. SO I'M SAYING GOODBYE! seriously. Never thought this would happen, honestly. but this game you are playing, maybe trying to get me jealous, or trying to show your maturity. It's not working. You look like an idiot, and you are fucking breaking me in half more then you know. So you win. Kiss, make out, make love. Just don't you EVER fucking tell me about it. or show me.

RULE #2 - YOU NEVER EVER EVER HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO HIM, NOR ANYBODY! LET THE MAN WIN; HE'S THE ONE WHO'S HURTING AS MUCH AS YOU, WHETHER THEY ADMIT IT OR NOT! / YOU NEVER HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH JEALOUSY OR GUILT OR REGRET AND DON'T EVER STOOP DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL, FORGET ABOUT THEM!
Of course i still love you. Of course i really cared about you. Of course you were my best friend. Of course i loved beating you at video games. Of course i loved eating subway with you in the field, and rolling around in the grass. Of course i took watching movies with you for granted after awhile. Of course i did not care for our relationship as much as you did, but that never meant i didn't feel it. So this is a clean break for you, honestly. Don't start finding a new girlfriend, as you've been trying to prove to me, live! (as I intend to).
From all this all i'm trying to get at… is that you hurt me, probably not as much as i hurt you. But you are hurting me badly & I am giving in. i am not going to fight back, i am telling you that i do not want to see you, nor speak as much as i have to. Sounds horrible doesn't it?

Palatzo, treats high school students like they are failures. I accept it. But i hope she gets karmic revenge 'bout it. Because no one should keep living like that.

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