So what have i learned this week? What ups and downs did i face this week. Well i'll start off with the fact that as much as us "youngsters" say our friends changed, it's true. ENTIRELY! i mean we have a hard time. We are in this prime age where we grow up and change our values, and such. So yes it is true our friends change, and it sucks! DARN IT, IT HURTS! but i have gotten used to it by now. i mean I've changed no doubt. OH WELL ENOUGH ABOUT THIS STUPID ASS COMPLAINING!
-So i know Mrs. Marten has this way about her, where she always seems to be perfect, and talks perfect, and never has a slip up. She's the average social worker in a way. But in this case she my school academy vice principal in a sense.
She's been talking to me before i even moved, about my "problem" with skipping. She does the average sit down with me, and tells me that she has had enough with my leaving the school, without telling anyone, and how everybody knows, and my class is upset with it. this was the third time. I'm over it by now, but i'm blogging it for your sake.
She intentionally came in to math class ready to kick everybody out and have another "sit-down" with me. But she just had to make up excuses. after 10 minutes of waiting for her to get to me after she told me to stay, because "she had enough" she yelled at me for a good 15 minutes straight.
I have never been yelled at like this. my mind went practically numb half way through, staring at her, she became blurry. Anyways straight to the point-i'm and introvert, so i cried
balled my eyes out, all my worries and fustrations i hold in every minute of every day i just let it out. It feels good. But of course she thought i was actually upset about the skipping and my future. But to completely honest:
I'm a sixteen year old who went through her first serious relationship, ended it. Moved to an island within two weeks: which entailed me to finish my whole semester a month in advance, and pack and get rid of bunches of stuff of mine, i had sleepless nights, insomnia symptoms by day, and countless amounts of suicidal thoughts in the bathroom. the night they gave away my bed, i felt i had nothing left to call my own. I moved to a place where i did not know anyone (that's a first) I left my entire life, only to start anew in a unknown place. I missed my memories, and i missed my friends. I went to school for two days, scared, and feeling like i had no place there. I felt i was wasting life on people that didn't matter to me, and i didn't have to patience to find out.
I came back to edmonton, but it wasn't that easy. i had disputes with my father, that have left a trace on me since then. i cut all my hair off before i came, which was a totally spur of the moment decision. And i went totally Vegan. I drink only water. and my body had to go through all of this.
When i came back, the people were rude, the buses were inconsiderate. And the weather was cold, and snowy.
I visited the school, where i first met with my ex, and some of the drama kids i was not close to in the beginning. I felt like the new kid. why is that?
By this point i literally felt like i had no place to be, no place that wanted me, no place i wanted to be. No place i could call home.
SO NOW: I am a sixteen year old girl that does not live with her mom nor dad. Pays rent, has no job, grade 11 at a school that gives her heck. Honour student. And hormonal. Vegetarian. With a laptop i couldn't of gotten without my grandma, may she rest in peace. I have been living on the couch for the past month n half. as well as living out of duffel bags. I will be getting my own room in a bit. Do i think it's fair that i'm getting the small room, when i use my room like it's my only place to go... well at least i have a room. I am learning to respect what i have, and be thank ful for everything! i mean i love my life now. BUT I WILL NOT JUST SIT THERE, WITH A TEACHER YELLING AT ME and not think about what it used to be, and get emotional.
I think i have been through a lot; oh well.
I got a really bad cold a couple days ago. So i can barely hear a thing and my nose is running due to my sinus PLUGGED! It's hell when i get a cold. i rather be sick any other way honestly! nobody understands. i may look great, but i feel like i'm on fucking fire and snot on the inside. I mean i half to just about read your lips to gie you a response to what you just said. and i have to blow my nose every 15 minutes. I sneezed a bunch, and i'm coughing up phegm. BUT NO, " When are you going back to school Emily?"
WHEN I CAN ACTUALLY LEARN WITHOUT CONCENTRATING ON WHETHER A BOOGER IS HANGING FROM MY NOSE, OR IF I'M GOING TO RUN OUT KLEENEX I STUFFED IN MY POCKET AS I RAN OUT THE DOOR! I WILL GO BACK WHEN I FEEL GREAT BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN FEEL GOOOOOOD AT SCHOOL.
PRETTY CRAPPY WEEK? well you know... i don't think so. i have been through worse...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Nope, you are officially erased. good bye.
Nope, you are a total bitch now.
Nope, you are just a freak (that's supposedly in-love).
So emotional up and downs this week. A lot of weird stuff has happened. A lot of things that should of happened ever! A lot of people have changed their values, not in a good way. K i get it you're a bad ass, just stop being a bitch about it.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
GOD, I JUST WANT TO DROP KICK THIS PERSON!
I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST, IF I JUST NEVER TALKED TO YOU AGAIN! I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT YOU! I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, EXCEPT MEMORIES. THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY, SO NO MORE BEING POLITE! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME, ACCEPT IT!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Not as good as the other day…
What is going to happen in a day. Like what crazy shit is going to happen. Will i cry today? will i laugh really hard? Will i pooo my pants? Will i kill someone by accident? So many possibilities hey?
I am going to get registered at 1 today, as well… well hopefully. Looking at this teacher, you have no idea what to expect. Will she put me in AADAC because she thinks i'm a druggy drop out? JUDGMENTAL BITCH!
I am still coughing. URGH
It is colder than usual, i hope i don't turn into an ice lagoon.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I began Saturday! and i feel more greater than i ever have. thank you Earth for giving me leaves, roots and water :)
So things are really turning around. I mean i walked into school today prepared to feel as though i was walking into a gas chamber again like yesterday, but it was alright. I saw a lot of JFLA students and they all said "HI" to me. They never used to do that. It felt really good. Like i was missed.
On the ride up here with my dad, i realized something about humanity. We need to be excepted by others before we can except ourselves. And that is sad that the race has come to this. WE NEED TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN INDEPENDENTLY AND STRONG! I may be smart enough to know this, and to make myself as strong as possible, but most don't. So raise them to love themselves always, and to know who they are. and to always go their path, and not their friends. Because you are babying them. that is not right. I think about when i was young, and i used to speak to others, and be me. But i was sophisticated, and no one noticed. I am thinking now about things i said then, and now when i say them, most people listen. It's almost like you need to be older to get more respect, and to be noticed. But i remember how i thought when i was smaller, and it's just about the same as i think now. I just never got noticed in that way because of my age. SO DON'T UNDERESTIMATE YOUR CHILDREN! RAISE THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS AND NOT YOUNG MINDED! listen to them, and talk to them as you would anyone else! because i know i was a little hurt by how much i had to say, and never got heard correctly.
Another thing i would like to talk about is EX'S! (Even you are reading this Shawn)
I have come to realize why it is hard to be friends with your ex, and i have come to realize why men do what they do after a break up. Although i do not mind talking to them, when you see them talk and walk differently, it's as much to take, as it is to see them talk to other women. Whether they notice or not, you will notice. I noticed that's for sure. Personally, i love you! i do. i never lied about that. I cared for you, more than i showed. But i'm 16, and i'm real. When i notice the change in how you talk to others… girls… it fucking hurts! It's not nice. and i went home choking with emotion. You curdled my insides i hope you know. Whether you meant to or not.
#1 RULE - DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER / DO NOT THINK ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER / YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER!
It took a long time before i realized what it is about men and their feelings after a break up. As much as it hurt them, they will not show it… EVER! They will hide it so much as to hit on girls in front of you, to show you. They will tell you, to prove it, and they will make it happen. They are playing a game! that's all. Don't say you are not. I am saying now with great respect, and "maturity" that i do not want to see that anymore. It hurts more now than it ever did. And i will not go through that. You can do what ever you would like to do, but i will never be there. I will say "HI" to you as if you are anybody. And if your day was bad, i will be there. But as for the casual hang out, and occasional Halo game. You can find another girlfriend for that. I just can't bare to see it happen. SO I'M SAYING GOODBYE! seriously. Never thought this would happen, honestly. but this game you are playing, maybe trying to get me jealous, or trying to show your maturity. It's not working. You look like an idiot, and you are fucking breaking me in half more then you know. So you win. Kiss, make out, make love. Just don't you EVER fucking tell me about it. or show me.
RULE #2 - YOU NEVER EVER EVER HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO HIM, NOR ANYBODY! LET THE MAN WIN; HE'S THE ONE WHO'S HURTING AS MUCH AS YOU, WHETHER THEY ADMIT IT OR NOT! / YOU NEVER HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH JEALOUSY OR GUILT OR REGRET AND DON'T EVER STOOP DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL, FORGET ABOUT THEM!
Of course i still love you. Of course i really cared about you. Of course you were my best friend. Of course i loved beating you at video games. Of course i loved eating subway with you in the field, and rolling around in the grass. Of course i took watching movies with you for granted after awhile. Of course i did not care for our relationship as much as you did, but that never meant i didn't feel it. So this is a clean break for you, honestly. Don't start finding a new girlfriend, as you've been trying to prove to me, live! (as I intend to).
From all this all i'm trying to get at… is that you hurt me, probably not as much as i hurt you. But you are hurting me badly & I am giving in. i am not going to fight back, i am telling you that i do not want to see you, nor speak as much as i have to. Sounds horrible doesn't it?
Palatzo, treats high school students like they are failures. I accept it. But i hope she gets karmic revenge 'bout it. Because no one should keep living like that.
Monday, February 1, 2010
My choices were living in paradise, but have no social life.
Or have a social life and live in a SESS POOL!
WHAT DO I DO WORLD!? WHAT DO I DO IN THIS SITUATION!
BUT! THEN AGAIN! i will not be here forever! I am free after grade 12. at least i have motivation to finish EARRRRRRRLY!
Can't wait till spring break/ summer/ AFTER GRADE 12! god!
I am so lost. SO very lost. I am LOSTTTTTT IN THIS WORLD AND I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY PLACE TO GO IS 'DEATH' HONESTLY! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! there is too much hate in this world! just too much.
At least Salt Spring didn't hate a soul!
HELP ME! WHOEVER IS THERE TO GUIDE ME!