So what have i learned this week? What ups and downs did i face this week. Well i'll start off with the fact that as much as us "youngsters" say our friends changed, it's true. ENTIRELY! i mean we have a hard time. We are in this prime age where we grow up and change our values, and such. So yes it is true our friends change, and it sucks! DARN IT, IT HURTS! but i have gotten used to it by now. i mean I've changed no doubt. OH WELL ENOUGH ABOUT THIS STUPID ASS COMPLAINING!
-So i know Mrs. Marten has this way about her, where she always seems to be perfect, and talks perfect, and never has a slip up. She's the average social worker in a way. But in this case she my school academy vice principal in a sense.
She's been talking to me before i even moved, about my "problem" with skipping. She does the average sit down with me, and tells me that she has had enough with my leaving the school, without telling anyone, and how everybody knows, and my class is upset with it. this was the third time. I'm over it by now, but i'm blogging it for your sake.
She intentionally came in to math class ready to kick everybody out and have another "sit-down" with me. But she just had to make up excuses. after 10 minutes of waiting for her to get to me after she told me to stay, because "she had enough" she yelled at me for a good 15 minutes straight.
I have never been yelled at like this. my mind went practically numb half way through, staring at her, she became blurry. Anyways straight to the point-i'm and introvert, so i cried
balled my eyes out, all my worries and fustrations i hold in every minute of every day i just let it out. It feels good. But of course she thought i was actually upset about the skipping and my future. But to completely honest:
I'm a sixteen year old who went through her first serious relationship, ended it. Moved to an island within two weeks: which entailed me to finish my whole semester a month in advance, and pack and get rid of bunches of stuff of mine, i had sleepless nights, insomnia symptoms by day, and countless amounts of suicidal thoughts in the bathroom. the night they gave away my bed, i felt i had nothing left to call my own. I moved to a place where i did not know anyone (that's a first) I left my entire life, only to start anew in a unknown place. I missed my memories, and i missed my friends. I went to school for two days, scared, and feeling like i had no place there. I felt i was wasting life on people that didn't matter to me, and i didn't have to patience to find out.
I came back to edmonton, but it wasn't that easy. i had disputes with my father, that have left a trace on me since then. i cut all my hair off before i came, which was a totally spur of the moment decision. And i went totally Vegan. I drink only water. and my body had to go through all of this.
When i came back, the people were rude, the buses were inconsiderate. And the weather was cold, and snowy.
I visited the school, where i first met with my ex, and some of the drama kids i was not close to in the beginning. I felt like the new kid. why is that?
By this point i literally felt like i had no place to be, no place that wanted me, no place i wanted to be. No place i could call home.
SO NOW: I am a sixteen year old girl that does not live with her mom nor dad. Pays rent, has no job, grade 11 at a school that gives her heck. Honour student. And hormonal. Vegetarian. With a laptop i couldn't of gotten without my grandma, may she rest in peace. I have been living on the couch for the past month n half. as well as living out of duffel bags. I will be getting my own room in a bit. Do i think it's fair that i'm getting the small room, when i use my room like it's my only place to go... well at least i have a room. I am learning to respect what i have, and be thank ful for everything! i mean i love my life now. BUT I WILL NOT JUST SIT THERE, WITH A TEACHER YELLING AT ME and not think about what it used to be, and get emotional.
I think i have been through a lot; oh well.
I got a really bad cold a couple days ago. So i can barely hear a thing and my nose is running due to my sinus PLUGGED! It's hell when i get a cold. i rather be sick any other way honestly! nobody understands. i may look great, but i feel like i'm on fucking fire and snot on the inside. I mean i half to just about read your lips to gie you a response to what you just said. and i have to blow my nose every 15 minutes. I sneezed a bunch, and i'm coughing up phegm. BUT NO, " When are you going back to school Emily?"
WHEN I CAN ACTUALLY LEARN WITHOUT CONCENTRATING ON WHETHER A BOOGER IS HANGING FROM MY NOSE, OR IF I'M GOING TO RUN OUT KLEENEX I STUFFED IN MY POCKET AS I RAN OUT THE DOOR! I WILL GO BACK WHEN I FEEL GREAT BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN FEEL GOOOOOOD AT SCHOOL.
PRETTY CRAPPY WEEK? well you know... i don't think so. i have been through worse...