p.s.

Go swimming Emily,
you can do it, you are just as good as them,
you will be better in time.
But time will not heal unless you actually go.
So go!

PROGRESSION IS A BITCH

6.88mi in one day.
Let's look back on this and go "psssh, i did 10 today" 


Let's do it! 

Purple nurple

I didn't call him, thank god.
I would be so depressed and regretful right now if i did.
Good job Emily

I want, I want, I want

I want to start blogging again, there is something pleasurable about the wormth of a laptop and the free-ness of typing my feelings. I doubt anyone will ever read any of these posts but getting it out there is the only theropy i can offord.
My relationship with Shawn every since we broke up and I moved away had flourished into a good friendship. we may have our lapses of silence where we are so busy with our lives we don't call or write for months at a time, but i always have the most sincere space in my heart for him. I think it's partially to do with how we grew up with eachother. We met in grade ten (prime years for figuring out who you are), so in a way it's like Shawn is my past and present, which is comforting.
I've been back home in Edmonton for a few weeks now for the holidays and i hung out with him for the first two. When i say the first two i mean, we hung out until we got in a rediculous fight and now he's ignoring me (as "childish" as that sounds). It was his fault, he knows that. So then why is he ignoring me? After the fight I didn't text or call him the next day. I was still tyring to figure out the whole sinereo. the second day i didn't contact him again until that night when all i could think about was the rationality of the situation. So i can't remember how, but i contacted him asking to get coffee and tlak about what happened so that we could laugh about it and move on. He agreed with very minimal words, which kinda confused me... WAIT i missed something! the next day after the fight he sent me an email saying he was sorry! okay now it makes sense!
So we aggreed to see eachother and mull this over. Never happened because he was always too busy to even talk about a time and place to meet up. So one week rolls by and it's new years eve. i got drunk that night. more drunk than i think i have ever been.  at one point i was in the bathroom harping my stomach up. Anyways, this must of been at 3 in the morning, and When i finally got to bed the sun woke me up in the morning a few hours after i was definetly still typsy because i could barely sit up let alone walk. All i could think about was how me and shawn weren't mutually okay with eachother at this point.
I texted him, still half drunk, still can't remember, but i texted him. I remember saying that i couldn't stay mad at him, and that it was too hard. he replied, but i forget how in depth they were (probably not considering i don't remember).
all i remember afte rthat was a couple hourse later, driving, sobering up and realizing that i didn't want to let him off just like that.
You knwo i don't think i remember his Sorry-email that he wrote me becuase as i was telling him that i didn't mean anything i said (whatever i said) i was assuming he hadn't said "sorry" first. Which was an asshole thing to do. So i was gettting all "forget everything i said" yada yada
in a little way that's my fault. kinda of

blah blah blah he ignores me for one WHOLE FUCKING WEEK and during tha tweek i'm calling him telling him "i don't remember what we texted about and i'm sorry i was drunk" and "why aren't you calling me back i don't get it?" and text messages after text messages. STIL NOTHING other than "i'm busy" literally, that was all i got

finally one night i just wanted to know what was going on because i was leaving edmonton soon and i didn't want to leave without mulling this over! So i call him on my way home at midnight -walking- and he answers, asks who it is, and then hangs up when he realizes it's me. A S S H O L E
so then after my long text messages telling him i'm totally over this whole ignoring thing, i don't knwo what your big problem is, and i just want to knwo what the porblem is.
So after many texts he says " i was acting childish"

i'm speachless and mad and 80% sad.
I'm so sad. i'm not even speachless or mad anymore i'm genuingly sad all the fuckign time becuase my closest friend won't tlak to me. won't even aknowledge me. I kinda feel heartbroken and lost whenever i htink about it.
 we literally said goodbye to eachother saying we never want to speak again. WHY? I DON'T KNOW!

so here i am 3 days after and i feel complete sadness and brokenness everytime i think  about it. I need to get to the bottom of this, but how? without being overbearing?

My 18th

My 18th birthday is tomorrow, i wish i could bore you with the details of what i have planned to do. But i think that i'm just gonna binge on pizza with my family and watch movies. My trip to Africa is the best gift i could ever get.
When i was in thrifties the other day with my mom and brother, i thought about how much i love them, and how i wouldn't know what to do with out them. Family IS everything.
H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y TO ME

I think

I think if there is ever a time to completely get rid of everything i am attached to (electronically) and everything i had ever invested in, just to be footloose and fancy-free, that time would be right now. It's too cold to go on my hike today, so i will hold out till i feel it is right. honestly i think i am just making excuses not to go outside and be weathered by the bushes and muck and shade. 
So here's to procrastinating! cheers

I am clean

I sold my computer, I am reading more.

IF

IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA SHOVE A FUCKKING SPATULA SO FAR UP YOUR ASS; fucking pansy ass thong sniffer :x

negative nancy

I wonder why you seemed shocked when i answered your question. I don't hate anyone, but i do get mad. there's a fine line. You hate a lot of people. And you've been really mad lately. You seem stressed. I think you're stressed. I hope you come out of this puddle very strongly.. and dry ;)

So enough about that, i'm over it. I had my interview for this trip to ghana. Aced it. 

One thing i don't like is that i still don't have a ticket for anywhere yet. As if i'm still not set on going anywhere. I feel disloyal to my job. But i had to quit eventually. I'll be back for sure. I liked working where i work. Everyone has such different personalities, and everyday was something new. I learn't so much fun stuff, and it will for sure help me in the future. Best staff ever!

 

ughuhhh, sigh. Last two weeks. Hopefully it warms up, i need to lse these love handles, and eat right. This job has been indulging, but i really cannot wait till i'm unemployed and free. 

yeah, yeah, yeah, i know… Everyone has to work for a living someday, you can't just get up and quite. I don't know, i guess i'm still young,  i'm kinda "allowed" to just live the easy life for the last bit i have left. 

….right?… 

Anyways, adfalfhalkfhlkfah

Ohhh

P.s. …it's raining, but not like annoying gross muddy slushy rain, like beautiful misty rain that feels good. Good day

YUMMY AND HAPPY

One step at a time, i think everything takes one step at a time. Going to Australia is a big deal, and bigger deals have way more steps that need to be accomplished. Right now i need to focus on getting my license. i need to focus on this because right now it is the only thing that is holding me back, and it is the only thing that is making stressed out of my friggen mind. I may not be able to leave in April, and that is OK I will just go in July. It's better that way anyways, because i then get to enjoy summer here… and enjoy summer over there, and then i get to come back to the same weather i left with. All in all, maybe not getting my license right isn't such a bad thing, and in fact it is a sign. MAYBE or maybe my plans are just not working out because i did not plan this out right and NOTHING IS GOIGN AS PLAN. But it'll happen if not April, JULY. :) Live in the now, right? Live in the now….