I want to start blogging again, there is something pleasurable about the wormth of a laptop and the free-ness of typing my feelings. I doubt anyone will ever read any of these posts but getting it out there is the only theropy i can offord.
My relationship with Shawn every since we broke up and I moved away had flourished into a good friendship. we may have our lapses of silence where we are so busy with our lives we don't call or write for months at a time, but i always have the most sincere space in my heart for him. I think it's partially to do with how we grew up with eachother. We met in grade ten (prime years for figuring out who you are), so in a way it's like Shawn is my past and present, which is comforting.
I've been back home in Edmonton for a few weeks now for the holidays and i hung out with him for the first two. When i say the first two i mean, we hung out until we got in a rediculous fight and now he's ignoring me (as "childish" as that sounds). It was his fault, he knows that. So then why is he ignoring me? After the fight I didn't text or call him the next day. I was still tyring to figure out the whole sinereo. the second day i didn't contact him again until that night when all i could think about was the rationality of the situation. So i can't remember how, but i contacted him asking to get coffee and tlak about what happened so that we could laugh about it and move on. He agreed with very minimal words, which kinda confused me... WAIT i missed something! the next day after the fight he sent me an email saying he was sorry! okay now it makes sense!
So we aggreed to see eachother and mull this over. Never happened because he was always too busy to even talk about a time and place to meet up. So one week rolls by and it's new years eve. i got drunk that night. more drunk than i think i have ever been. at one point i was in the bathroom harping my stomach up. Anyways, this must of been at 3 in the morning, and When i finally got to bed the sun woke me up in the morning a few hours after i was definetly still typsy because i could barely sit up let alone walk. All i could think about was how me and shawn weren't mutually okay with eachother at this point.
I texted him, still half drunk, still can't remember, but i texted him. I remember saying that i couldn't stay mad at him, and that it was too hard. he replied, but i forget how in depth they were (probably not considering i don't remember).
all i remember afte rthat was a couple hourse later, driving, sobering up and realizing that i didn't want to let him off just like that.
You knwo i don't think i remember his Sorry-email that he wrote me becuase as i was telling him that i didn't mean anything i said (whatever i said) i was assuming he hadn't said "sorry" first. Which was an asshole thing to do. So i was gettting all "forget everything i said" yada yada
in a little way that's my fault. kinda of
blah blah blah he ignores me for one WHOLE FUCKING WEEK and during tha tweek i'm calling him telling him "i don't remember what we texted about and i'm sorry i was drunk" and "why aren't you calling me back i don't get it?" and text messages after text messages. STIL NOTHING other than "i'm busy" literally, that was all i got
finally one night i just wanted to know what was going on because i was leaving edmonton soon and i didn't want to leave without mulling this over! So i call him on my way home at midnight -walking- and he answers, asks who it is, and then hangs up when he realizes it's me. A S S H O L E
so then after my long text messages telling him i'm totally over this whole ignoring thing, i don't knwo what your big problem is, and i just want to knwo what the porblem is.
So after many texts he says " i was acting childish"
i'm speachless and mad and 80% sad.
I'm so sad. i'm not even speachless or mad anymore i'm genuingly sad all the fuckign time becuase my closest friend won't tlak to me. won't even aknowledge me. I kinda feel heartbroken and lost whenever i htink about it.
we literally said goodbye to eachother saying we never want to speak again. WHY? I DON'T KNOW!
so here i am 3 days after and i feel complete sadness and brokenness everytime i think about it. I need to get to the bottom of this, but how? without being overbearing?