When i talk with someone about dreams and idea's i want to accomplish, they are excited and opinionated on the subject. But when i come in every other day after that, full of new and greater idea's, I find that people lose interest. They lose faith. they lose that thrill of knowing i could accomplish something like going to Asia, or Australia etc. But what really gets me, is that people can be so narrow minded. why is it that i can't change my mind. That i can't come up with greater dreams for myself. Why is it that you have to assume it won't happen. Yes, i make plans. But when i'm not talking with you about those plans, i am thinking about what i could do instead, what i could do instead that would make my life from here on out better.
I have an open mind. i will do whatever if i feel it will make someone else, or even myself happy. But i just hate how i can't discuss things, i have to always have a definite plan. this probably doesn't make any sense… but i guess it helps me.
"Sometimes i wonder" Everyone of my journal entries for the day, start's with "Sometimes I wonder". Just about every single one. I thinks that's mystical.
I feel like an outsider looking in just about everyday. I feel like i don't compute with beings. Like i'm trying to understand what they want from me. Like i'm trying to understand why they talk about the things they do, and do the things they do. Like an alien. Do you ever feel that way? Like you are behind the glass…
Just now, my mom was asking me what i was reading these days, and whether i found a good book. I said "no. nothing. I haven't found one i'm interested in yet. I like to read books about psychology, and interactions with humans. Just how humans socialize, and affects on our brains. Just, like, how things affect us as humans, and why we do certain things". And after I said that, i was thinking to myself, about just how alienated i feel from the world. When i look at someone, i'm constantly asking myself "why…?" why are his eyebrows so close to his eyes? Why does he spit when he talks? I wonder how he feels knowing that he's embarrassed. I wonder if he walks like that because he's trying to make a statement, or if he's trying not to. Do you think that he bashes people because of problems he's had as a child. I wonder why he has to make everything bad, why he has to hate on every. thing. Do you think people notice when their hair grows, even the slightest bit? Why do I always get offended by the way people listen and stand when i'm talking to them, who cares what their saying, they obviously don't liek talking to me. I wonder if he thinks i don't like him. I wonder if she thinks i don't like her. i wonder if she feels threatened by me. I wonder if she wakes up in the morning as sleep deprived, and depressed as I do. I wonder everyday, if i had a normal voice, and not this bitchy girl voice people would take me serious. and understand what i'm trying to say. I wish every fucking day, that people didn't take offence to anything i said or did. And i wish everyday that people knew how much i care for them, and take in what they say more than they know.
p.s. I listen to every word around me. And i question my morals every single day.
I made a snowman today. I went for a run, then i was doing my crunches in the snow. And i layed there creating a molded coffin of my body in the snow, thinking about how much i love looking at the sky when it is framed by swaying trees. Anyways. The snow was perfect so i made a snowman BIGN BANG BOOM this blog is done!