I moved out!

I'm so calm with this "big move" it scares me. 
It'll all sink in eventually… 

Lately…

So I started my job up again, (the job i had about a year ago, before all my trips got derailed). i tell everyone at work that my trip got canceled and instead did some soul searching and now i know what i want, and i'm going after it. they're happy for me, but secretly i feel their doubts. It doesn't matter, that's one of the things i learn't over the year; do things for you. not in a selfish way of course, but for me, i'm always looking to others for their opinions and judgments, so i've been using my own judgmnets and opinions and i'm going far!
I've been looking up plane tickets to New Zealand, because i plan on going in October, and returning in March.



to be continued…

OUT WITH THE OLD IN WITH THE NEW

Why do we think that we need more of everything. that we need the best for everything. That everything needs to be such a high standard?

I start work tomorrow. I haven't been back in over a year. I'm really nervous. Really scared. Even though i've done the job before i'm anxious to see if i'll remember everything, or if i'll be a hot mess.
I'm hoping for the best, but i'm sort of expecting the worst.
It's one of those days… New people, new momentum, new lifestyle. I'm excited more than anything to be in the whole hustle and bustle though.

i did 6.4MILES today and my shin and ankle continues to hurt after my runs. Not during though… And it's more of a strain than a pain, which is why i feel comfortable running. I'm not running as much, ever since i injured my Achilles i took off about 5-4 days and then i started running every two days (which i'm doing now). It feels good to be running every two days because i feel it's enough recovery to give me a long run ever time.

I've realized recently that we, as people, are all different. If my body can withstand something that isn't normal to others, well so be it. I feel i can run even with a strained Achilles than what's the big hoopla?! It's my body i know now when to stop and when to continue. but i feel like i need to focus on what i can do and not focus on what forums say, or what the internet says… it's stupid really…
We can all endure different levels of pain in sports. We know our bodies, don't hold us back when we know in our hearts we can go!

Anyways, other than dog agility today and running like a mad-man, i've been splurging on my diet lately and i feel badly, but not too badly. I don't regret it. Anyway, goodnight and sweet dreams and lot's of luck for tomorrow, wherever you might be!

p.s.

Go swimming Emily,
you can do it, you are just as good as them,
you will be better in time.
But time will not heal unless you actually go.
So go!

PROGRESSION IS A BITCH

6.88mi in one day.
Let's look back on this and go "psssh, i did 10 today" 


Let's do it! 

Purple nurple

I didn't call him, thank god.
I would be so depressed and regretful right now if i did.
Good job Emily

I want, I want, I want

I want to start blogging again, there is something pleasurable about the wormth of a laptop and the free-ness of typing my feelings. I doubt anyone will ever read any of these posts but getting it out there is the only theropy i can offord.
My relationship with Shawn every since we broke up and I moved away had flourished into a good friendship. we may have our lapses of silence where we are so busy with our lives we don't call or write for months at a time, but i always have the most sincere space in my heart for him. I think it's partially to do with how we grew up with eachother. We met in grade ten (prime years for figuring out who you are), so in a way it's like Shawn is my past and present, which is comforting.
I've been back home in Edmonton for a few weeks now for the holidays and i hung out with him for the first two. When i say the first two i mean, we hung out until we got in a rediculous fight and now he's ignoring me (as "childish" as that sounds). It was his fault, he knows that. So then why is he ignoring me? After the fight I didn't text or call him the next day. I was still tyring to figure out the whole sinereo. the second day i didn't contact him again until that night when all i could think about was the rationality of the situation. So i can't remember how, but i contacted him asking to get coffee and tlak about what happened so that we could laugh about it and move on. He agreed with very minimal words, which kinda confused me... WAIT i missed something! the next day after the fight he sent me an email saying he was sorry! okay now it makes sense!
So we aggreed to see eachother and mull this over. Never happened because he was always too busy to even talk about a time and place to meet up. So one week rolls by and it's new years eve. i got drunk that night. more drunk than i think i have ever been.  at one point i was in the bathroom harping my stomach up. Anyways, this must of been at 3 in the morning, and When i finally got to bed the sun woke me up in the morning a few hours after i was definetly still typsy because i could barely sit up let alone walk. All i could think about was how me and shawn weren't mutually okay with eachother at this point.
I texted him, still half drunk, still can't remember, but i texted him. I remember saying that i couldn't stay mad at him, and that it was too hard. he replied, but i forget how in depth they were (probably not considering i don't remember).
all i remember afte rthat was a couple hourse later, driving, sobering up and realizing that i didn't want to let him off just like that.
You knwo i don't think i remember his Sorry-email that he wrote me becuase as i was telling him that i didn't mean anything i said (whatever i said) i was assuming he hadn't said "sorry" first. Which was an asshole thing to do. So i was gettting all "forget everything i said" yada yada
in a little way that's my fault. kinda of

blah blah blah he ignores me for one WHOLE FUCKING WEEK and during tha tweek i'm calling him telling him "i don't remember what we texted about and i'm sorry i was drunk" and "why aren't you calling me back i don't get it?" and text messages after text messages. STIL NOTHING other than "i'm busy" literally, that was all i got

finally one night i just wanted to know what was going on because i was leaving edmonton soon and i didn't want to leave without mulling this over! So i call him on my way home at midnight -walking- and he answers, asks who it is, and then hangs up when he realizes it's me. A S S H O L E
so then after my long text messages telling him i'm totally over this whole ignoring thing, i don't knwo what your big problem is, and i just want to knwo what the porblem is.
So after many texts he says " i was acting childish"

i'm speachless and mad and 80% sad.
I'm so sad. i'm not even speachless or mad anymore i'm genuingly sad all the fuckign time becuase my closest friend won't tlak to me. won't even aknowledge me. I kinda feel heartbroken and lost whenever i htink about it.
 we literally said goodbye to eachother saying we never want to speak again. WHY? I DON'T KNOW!

so here i am 3 days after and i feel complete sadness and brokenness everytime i think  about it. I need to get to the bottom of this, but how? without being overbearing?

My 18th

My 18th birthday is tomorrow, i wish i could bore you with the details of what i have planned to do. But i think that i'm just gonna binge on pizza with my family and watch movies. My trip to Africa is the best gift i could ever get.
When i was in thrifties the other day with my mom and brother, i thought about how much i love them, and how i wouldn't know what to do with out them. Family IS everything.
H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y TO ME

I think

I think if there is ever a time to completely get rid of everything i am attached to (electronically) and everything i had ever invested in, just to be footloose and fancy-free, that time would be right now. It's too cold to go on my hike today, so i will hold out till i feel it is right. honestly i think i am just making excuses not to go outside and be weathered by the bushes and muck and shade. 
So here's to procrastinating! cheers

I am clean

I sold my computer, I am reading more.

IF

IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA SHOVE A FUCKKING SPATULA SO FAR UP YOUR ASS; fucking pansy ass thong sniffer :x

negative nancy

I wonder why you seemed shocked when i answered your question. I don't hate anyone, but i do get mad. there's a fine line. You hate a lot of people. And you've been really mad lately. You seem stressed. I think you're stressed. I hope you come out of this puddle very strongly.. and dry ;)

So enough about that, i'm over it. I had my interview for this trip to ghana. Aced it. 

One thing i don't like is that i still don't have a ticket for anywhere yet. As if i'm still not set on going anywhere. I feel disloyal to my job. But i had to quit eventually. I'll be back for sure. I liked working where i work. Everyone has such different personalities, and everyday was something new. I learn't so much fun stuff, and it will for sure help me in the future. Best staff ever!

 

ughuhhh, sigh. Last two weeks. Hopefully it warms up, i need to lse these love handles, and eat right. This job has been indulging, but i really cannot wait till i'm unemployed and free. 

yeah, yeah, yeah, i know… Everyone has to work for a living someday, you can't just get up and quite. I don't know, i guess i'm still young,  i'm kinda "allowed" to just live the easy life for the last bit i have left. 

….right?… 

Anyways, adfalfhalkfhlkfah

Ohhh

P.s. …it's raining, but not like annoying gross muddy slushy rain, like beautiful misty rain that feels good. Good day

YUMMY AND HAPPY

One step at a time, i think everything takes one step at a time. Going to Australia is a big deal, and bigger deals have way more steps that need to be accomplished. Right now i need to focus on getting my license. i need to focus on this because right now it is the only thing that is holding me back, and it is the only thing that is making stressed out of my friggen mind. I may not be able to leave in April, and that is OK I will just go in July. It's better that way anyways, because i then get to enjoy summer here… and enjoy summer over there, and then i get to come back to the same weather i left with. All in all, maybe not getting my license right isn't such a bad thing, and in fact it is a sign. MAYBE or maybe my plans are just not working out because i did not plan this out right and NOTHING IS GOIGN AS PLAN. But it'll happen if not April, JULY. :) Live in the now, right? Live in the now…. 

IRRITATED

irritated, and stressed with… everything…

Loser, a loser is what you are…

Since when do people who've lived for more than 30 years, think that talking behind a teenager's back is really making them look good. not to mention you're a pansy.
Nothing needs to be said. i think we can all understand the maturity in all this. yeaaaaaaa it's fucking overflowing 'aint it?

what gives..

watermelons can fly, and snowshoes can swim

When i talk with someone about dreams and idea's i want to accomplish, they are excited and opinionated on the subject. But when i come in every other day after that, full of new and greater idea's, I find that people lose interest. They lose faith. they lose that thrill of knowing i could accomplish something like going to Asia, or Australia etc. But what really gets me, is that people can be so narrow minded. why is it that i can't change my mind. That i can't come up with greater dreams for myself. Why is it that you have to assume it won't happen. Yes, i make plans. But when i'm not talking with you about those plans, i am thinking about what i could do instead, what i could do instead that would make my life from here on out better. 
I have an open mind. i will do whatever if i feel it will make someone else, or even myself happy. But i just hate how i can't discuss things, i have to always have a definite plan. this probably doesn't make any sense… but i guess it helps me.
 "Sometimes i wonder"  Everyone of my journal entries for the day, start's with "Sometimes I wonder". Just about every single one. I thinks that's mystical. 


I feel like an outsider looking in just about everyday. I feel like i don't compute with beings. Like i'm trying to understand what they want from me. Like i'm trying to understand why they talk about the things they do, and do the things they do. Like an alien. Do you ever feel that way? Like you are behind the glass…


Just now, my mom was asking me what i was reading these days, and whether i found a good book. I said "no. nothing. I haven't found one i'm interested in yet. I like to read books about psychology, and interactions with humans. Just how humans socialize, and affects on our brains. Just, like, how things affect us as humans, and why we do certain things". And after I said that, i was thinking to myself, about just how alienated i feel from the world. When i look at someone, i'm constantly asking myself "why…?" why are his eyebrows so close to his eyes? Why does he spit when he talks? I wonder how he feels knowing that he's embarrassed. I wonder if he walks like that because he's trying to make a statement, or if he's trying not to. Do you think that he bashes people because of problems he's had as a child. I wonder why he has to make everything bad, why he has to hate on every. thing. Do you think people notice when their hair grows, even the slightest bit? Why do I always get offended by the way people listen and stand when i'm talking to them, who cares what their saying, they obviously don't liek talking to me. I wonder if he thinks i don't like him. I wonder if she thinks i don't like her. i wonder if she feels threatened by me. I wonder if she wakes up in the morning as sleep deprived, and depressed as I do. I wonder everyday, if i had a normal voice, and not this bitchy girl voice people would take me serious. and understand what i'm trying to say. I wish every fucking day, that people didn't take offence to anything i said or did. And i wish everyday that people knew how much i care for them, and take in what they say more than they know. 
p.s. I listen to every word around me. And i question my morals every single day. 


I made a snowman today. I went for a run, then i was doing my crunches in the snow. And i layed there creating a molded coffin of my body in the snow, thinking about how much i love looking at the sky when it is framed by swaying trees. Anyways. The snow was perfect so i made a snowman BIGN BANG BOOM this blog is done!

I GOT MY BC LEARNERS

AND I'M MAKING AN APPOINTMENT  TO PRACTICE DRIVING FOR THE ROAD TEST ON MONDAY… hopefully i'm good enough to get the go-ahead and get my licence! WOOOHOOO! people WOOOHOOO! one step closer to Australia, i can smell it..!

HORNY HORNY HORNY H O R N Y … with life

Today was great, tomorrow will be great. and the next day… and the next day… and forever into 2012!

What is this mine field doing in my head?

SIGH, DEEP DEEP SIGH
How does three days of complete serenity disappear so silently? The same way leaves fall off their branch. Time does not stop. I'm thinking of my death today. I'm thinking of how i only have about 40 years left before i become miserable and depressed, and my bones begin their stages towards becoming brittle. We all think we have 100 years. but truly we have 50. 50 to party and make big mistakes. Not to think about death and how much time we have. We are young. We are ruthless.Begin living like it while we have the chance to get away with it…


Anyways, 'nough with the stupidity. I'm bored. Bye